Conversations are the most powerful influencers in the world. They shape who we are. They influence what we do. What’s more, they build relationships, foster understanding, promote growth, and change perspectives. As we know, conversations can be good or bad, enlightening or disheartening. So, what can we do when we’re stuck in a conversation that makes us feel uncomfortable, agitated, or helpless? What can we do during a conversation to fend off negative influences?
These questions compelled Jamie Deering and Sister Michelle L’Allier of Franciscan Sisters of Little Falls (FSLF), MN, to create an in-person and online series called Real Conversations. The series helps participants develop the ability and courage to stay in conversations with compassion for all, including themselves, and equips them to seek connection instead of division.
“Real Conversations developed from a core value in the Franciscan world that we all swim in, ongoing conversion,” says Jamie, Director of Franciscan Spiritual Connections for FSLF. “Collaboration and reflection are part of that. It also includes the sense that we’re always being converted in some way. Our spirits, souls, and awareness are always being expanded. So, we were kicking around the idea of a practical skill that teaches us to be with ourselves in disruptive, chaotic, and difficult times — and do so in a way that we can stay grounded in love, know our own grounding, and not get taken out of a conversation.”
As with all credible and compassionate teachers, Jamie shares her knowledge from a real-world experience.
“During Covid, I had a powerful experience of just not knowing what to say,” she shares. “It took me into curiosity. How can I be present with this person when we have different worldviews? How can I stay present and not let the words and my reaction to them take me out of the conversation, which it did at that moment. So, we began teaching people and ourselves the skill of staying in it. And that’s how Real Conversations was born.”
Where Jamie taps into the principles of Marshall B. Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, Sister Michelle, OSF, Assistant Minister and Vice President of FSLF, employs her knowledge of Angeles Arrien’s The Four-Fold Way principles of communication, integrity and discernment. The powerful combination of these two principles makes Real Conversations a uniquely informed spiritual development series.
“By applying these two concepts,” adds Jamie, “we offer a real practical process where we look at how we affect the conversations we’re in. For example, we ask, ‘What am I making this conversation mean? How do I feel now because of the meaning I’m making? And how can I make a request to get my needs met?’ From there, we ask, ‘What’s my intention for this conversation and relationship? Is it taking place at the right time? Do I know what I want to say?'”
“We’ve broken each week of the series into these nuggets for people to look at that are often mind-blowing,” adds Jamie. “For me, the richness of teaching this series is when people say, ‘Wow. I never thought of it that way!’ It’s a very integrating and clarifying process; people feel equipped, empowered, and clear in ways they weren’t before. I’ve taken a lot of different courses over decades, and I do not see anything like this in the world.”
“The ways we’re conditioned in the United States often have to do with fixing problems and trying to be in control,” says Sister Michelle. “That creates tremendous anxiety, and it’s not helpful. So, we talk about letting go of our attachments to our opinions, emotions, and thoughts so that we can really be present in what’s happening and have the kind of inner awareness that doesn’t poorly influence the conversation’s outcome. How can we slow down enough to be aware and present in the moment so that we can be present with the person in front of us? From a Franciscan perspective, one thing that weaves the aspects of effective communication together is our valuing of relationships. Our culture doesn’t give us many good models for mutual, healthy, respectful, and engaged relationships. We need help. Our Franciscan heritage, which is nonviolent and mutually deferential, creates space for each person to be who they are.”
A few years ago, Sister Michelle created a space in the virtual realm to share stories and life learnings through a Franciscan lens after being asked what was then a trendy question: “Why don’t you start a podcast?”
After some reflection, research, and guidance from friends, the Engaging Franciscan Wisdom podcast began airing meaningful conversations.
“Engaging Franciscan Wisdom responded directly to needs of the times,” shares Sister Michelle. “We were a week into Covid shutting down the country, and one of our longtime associates wrote me and said, ‘We need to hear good news in the midst of all that’s going on. We need to hear a Franciscan perspective, and you can do that!'”
In responding to the needs of the times, the podcast also provides an opportunity for continuous development.
“We have a program called Engaging Franciscan Spirituality, an 18-month program that offers an opportunity to foster spiritual growth inside the collective wisdom of a small group. The group explores faith through a Franciscan lens and develops relationships that journey on long after the program’s completion. So, when people would graduate from that, they’d ask, ‘What’s next? How do I keep growing and nourishing?’ I really felt the podcast had the potential to be one of those for ongoing formation. After some thinking and input from close associates and friends, we came up with Engaging Franciscan Wisdom, which is perfect because we want to share the collective wisdom that we have amongst us!”
Conversations are the most powerful influencers in the world. With Jamie Deering and Sister Michelle L’Allier of Franciscan Sisters of Little Falls, MN, we have the excellent opportunity to be more powerful in conversations—for the benefit of ourselves and others.
To attend the upcoming sessions of Real Conversations, register by April 17 at https://www.fslf.org/service/calendar/view_event/16886
Engaging Franciscan Wisdom is currently on hiatus, but you can find audio and video links to previous episodes at https://engagingfranciscanwisdom.org/.
