
Fr. David Convertino, OFM
Executive Director of Development
One of the world’s most drastic role reversals occurs when the child answers the call to become a caregiver to the parent. And when mom or dad don’t age as gracefully as we’d like—when they decline faster than proper care can be arranged—the child caregiver is put in a situation full of complexities that are impossible to measure.
The sacrifices made are significant. The emotional toll runs deep.
This was the situation facing my friend, Kelly, whose mother suffered from early onset Alzheimer’s and was no longer able to live alone without regular in-home care. Kelly’s mom was in good health otherwise and her quality of life was the best it could be. Kelly, on the other hand, was an emotional wreck. She was terribly worried about money and strapped for time. In fact, I’m surprised she found the time to come and see me.
“I just want to show up and take care of my mother,” said Kelly, “but all I can focus on is money, the time I’m spending away from my kids, and an odd sense that my mother let me down by not securing professional care.
When I mentioned her moving to a retirement community that can provide the 24-hour care she needs, she got angry and said I didn’t care about her or know her—that she felt betrayed. I felt betrayed! After all the time I spent taking care of her, for her to say that to me, I felt as if she stabbed me in the back.”
“If being attentive and feeding, bathing, and giving medication was all I had to do, I’d be OK,” added Kelly. “But she is moody, resentful, and when she’s not angry, she tells makes me feel guilty by claiming she’s a burden on my life. It kills me to hear her say that, but I hate to admit it, Fr. David, she is! I am frustrated and heartbroken. My home and social life are in disarray, and my work is suffering. I love my mother and owe her everything. But this is so much harder than I thought it would be.”
It dawned on me that in stepping up to take care of her mother, Kelly had answered a calling. As she continued, my mind began to make comparisons…
“Fr. David, I’m resentful of her,” admitted Kelly, sheepishly. “She’s draining my time and finances; she’s taking all my energy. I’m annoyed with my siblings for not helping as much as I think they can; I’m livid with my husband for not ‘getting my back’ with my kids, who think I’m picking my mother over them. But what if she has a health crisis? I’d never forgive myself if she fell down the stairs, forgot to take her medication, wandered out of the house, or forgot to turn the oven off. I guess what I’m saying is, I surrender! I can’t take this anymore!”
This reminded me of Luke 4: 4-21, “the call of Christ,” when Jesus was in the wilderness and used scripture to resist the temptation of self-preservation and focus on the marginalized and suffering—those who needed him most. He didn’t know what to expect. He knew the road ahead would be difficult. But he stayed true to his calling. And when he grew frustrated, annoyed, and felt betrayed, love convinced him to forge ahead.
To me, Christ answering and staying true to his calling is something we all can relate to. Sometimes, we change our lives when inspiration strikes. More often than that, we make sacrifices for the people we love.
Kelly was ‘in the wilderness,’ too. She had a long, frustrating, and sometimes maddening experience tending to her mother’s needs. But she stayed true to her calling and everything turned out well. Her mom is now in a retirement community and both she and Kelly are better off than they were before. “I never thought I’d see my mother happy again,” said Kelly, her peace of mind softening her words. “But she is happy, making friends, and doing as well as she possibly can.”
Answering a calling isn’t always easy on us or the people we love. But we can always take comfort in the fact that Christ is with us and once answered a calling that brought him great scrutiny, frustration, and suffering—all for the sake of you and me.
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